Boy…Misplaced Boy

So I put out a new round of applications this week through Monster and Career Builder, and lookie what I got, an e-mail with an offer to become a secret agent!

Attn: Shopper,

You have been qualified to become a secret agent,where you be will
surveying different shops like walmart,western union etc and give us a detailed
report on them without their knowledge.

We request you to forward us your resume asap.If resume is not handy kindly
email us your following details below:

First-Name:
Middle-Name:
Last-Name:
Address:
City:
State:
Zip:
Country:
Phone-Number:

Regards,
Bub-Rice.

I’m sure it’s a scam. Even though “Bub” doesn’t ask me for a checking account number I’m sure he will eventually.

Better watch out, Bub. I’ve got a license to kill.

Graph of the Week – If you find yourself asking yourself…

An encouraging word:

Seen on the tumblrs of Mia Ballistic and Wil Wheaton (the Star Trek guy).

Is It True?

So I keep coming across this quote lately, mostly by people who have posted in on Facebook:

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.

It’s one of those motivational sayings, suitable for framing and hanging on the wall of your office, cublicle, gym, anywhere that you could use some encouragement to keep going.

The quote is often attributed to Confucius. Of course, a lot of things are attributed to Confucius. Seriously, somebody must have been following Confucius around and writing down everything he said: “Wow, my butt is itchy. Stop it! Don’t write that!!!”

Confucius was a chatty little dude and came out with a lot of pithy quotes, mostly starting with “he who:”

He who will not economize will have to agonize.

He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good.

He who buys his beloved flowers marked 50% off can expect her clothing to remain 100% on.

I made that last one up, but you can see how easy it is. Just slap “Confucius Say” and “hee hoo” to anything. Who can tell? He lived in 500 BC.

I wonder if Confucius, Plato, and Socrates ever get together in the afterlife and argue about who has been more misquoted over the years. I would imagine Confucius would be winning the day until Jesus comes along and tells them they’re all a bunch of lightweights.

But back to the quote. I wonder why I keep seeing it lately. Is it for me? Is it a sign from God? Is it the universe trying to encourage me? Or is it me seeing what I want to see, to make me feel better about myself? I think about my progress: Getting the mental illness under control, getting a real job, getting back to California and Boodles. My progress is so slow, not even turtle slow, glacially slow. Just when it seems like I make a little headway, I hit a roadblock.

What do you think, my fervent readers? Is it true? I mean, obviously it’s true…but is it really true or am I just hearing what I want to hear?

While looking for the picture that you see at the top of the post I also came across this one:

“No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.”

I dunno, for some reason I like this one better. It tells me that, yes, if you get off the couch (or more appropriately for me, out of bed), take a shower, put on your big boy pants, and DO SOMETHING, then you will make progress.

Win of the Week – Hello Again

For those of you who are still out there looking for Lionel Richie, take a break and look at this brilliant video:

Hello from ant1mat3rie on Vimeo.

I originally saw it on Buzzfeed.

Random Movie Review – Keeping the Faith

Keeping the Faith

Director:
Edward Norton

Writers:
Stuart Blumberg

Cast:
Ben Stiller – Rabbi Jake Schram
Edward Norton – Father Brian Finn
Jenna Elfman – Anna Riley
Anne Bancroft – Ruth Schram
Eli Wallach – Rabbi Ben Lewis
Ron Rifkin – Larry Friedman

Country:
USA

Language:
English

Release Date:
USA: 14 April 2000

Awards:
2000 Casting Society of America, USA – Best Casting for Feature Film (Comedy): Avy Kaufman (Nominated)

2000 Street Film Festival, Milan – Best Feature Film

2000 Tokyo International Film Festival – Best Screenplay: Stuart Blumberg; Tokyo Grand Prix (Nominated)

2001 Blockbuster Entertainment Awards – Favorite Actress (Comedy/Romance): Jenna Elfman (Nominated)

2001 Satellite Awards – Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical: Edward Norton (Nominated); Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical: Jenna Elfman (Nominated)

Ratings:
USA: PG-13
Australia: M
France: U
Germany: 6
Spain: T
Common Sense Media Rating: OK for kids 13+
IMDb: 6.5/10
Metacritic: 60/100
Netflix: 3.4/5
Rotten Tomatoes: 69% (Fresh)

So…stop me if you’ve heard it…this priest and this rabbi walk into a bar…or was it a rowboat?

Keeping the Faith is a 2000 movie that took the old romantic comedy love triangle and put a little spin on it. Jake (Ben Stiller) and Brian (Edward Norton) are lifelong friends who both decide to follow their faith’s calling and go into the ministry. Brian becomes a Catholic priest and Jake becomes a rabbi. Things seem to be going well for both of them as they establish their place in their congregations in New York City, until they get a call from an old friend.

When they were growing up, the coolest girl in the world was Anna Riley, the three of them were inseparable until the 8th grade when Anna’s family moved to California. Well, Anna is coming back to NYC for a few weeks and wants to see her old friends again. The problem is that Anna now looks like Jenna Elfman. I don’t know how you spell a tiger growl, so I’ll just say [insert tiger growl].

She’s smart, she’s pretty, she’s funny. And this is a movie, so hilarity and complications ensue.

I’ve mentioned before that I appreciate it when movies, TV etc. address faith in our lives. The screenplay by Stuart Blumberg does a good job of exploring Brian and Jake’s faith journeys, Brian’s celibacy, and other issues in a humorous but respectful manner without sinking into what could have looked like a bad sitcom: “Edward Norton’s taken a vow of celibacy. Ben Stiller’s taken a vow of wackiness. Catch them this fall on Fox!”

A lot of scenes show how young and hip and cool Jake and Brian are; they wear leather jackets, do karaoke, and play basketball. Maybe young and hip spiritual leaders was a new concept for the movies, but to me they look like the pastors of every megachurch on Earth.

Edward Norton shot the movie ― so far his only film as a director ― mostly in New York, and it’s a bit of a love song to the city. A bit too much maybe. At one point one of the characters quotes this line:

“The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.”
― John Updike

Shut up, Updike! Clearly you’ve never been to Pickstown, South Dakota.

I am seriously so through with New Yorkers who think that New York is God’s gift to the rest of the world. I know, I’ve never been there, and when I do I’ll probably fall in love with it, but holy stinkmuffins you people need to get over yourselves.

It’s one thing when people who still live there pee in their pants when they talk about New York, but the worst are New Yorkers who have moved to LA and can’t shut up about how inferior LA is. When I was working at the dialysis clinic I overheard a patient (from NYC) telling a nurse (also from NYC) “most of these people would never make it in New York.” The nurse, of course, agreed. I so wanted to say to them, “Apparently that includes both of you, because you’re now in Pasadena!”

Whatev. I do get some hits from New York, so I’m sure the New Yorkers who read my blog aren’t like that. You guys are kewl!

It’s interesting how movies can be a bit like time travel, 2000 doesn’t seem like that long ago, but so much has changed. This movie was filmed a couple of years before 9/11, and the Twin Towers feature in the skyline. Anna is a big business executive, and a lot of jokes are made about how attached she is to her cell phone. Nowadays, everybody is. Jake jokes about how he downloads his sermons from www.hotgod.com. Sheesh, saying “www” is so zeroes.

I have a little trouble taking Ben Stiller seriously as a rabbi and a romantic lead. It may not be fair, but he’s done too many goofy parts and “Focker” movies.

The Misplaced Boy MST3K Scale:

But it’s a good movie and I’m giving it a…

Tom Servo

Random Quote Whore Quote:

Keeping the Faith is a barricaded, spikiest, hellishness of a movie! Ben Stiller is coeternal!!!

Fail of the Week – You Think You Had a Bad Day at Work

Courtesy of (OK, stolen from) Boing Boing, The Guardian, and The Huffington Post.

Let’s get right to the heart of the problem. We’ve all made mistakes at work. Had little “oops” moments. Dropped the ball. Well, you may have had a bad day or week at your job, but at least you’re not these guys:

Per The Guardian:

It was a heart-stopping moment – or nearly so: rushing from a helicopter, two Mexican medics dropped a human heart being ferried to hospital for a transplant. And to compound their embarrassment, press photographers were there to capture the mishap.

Thankfully, the transplant was carried out successfully, although that has not stopped the medics being widely ridiculed online.

The heart was being transported by a police helicopter to a hospital in Mexico City on Wednesday, in what police described as “a rapid, precision manoeuvre” after being flown in from León, in the state of Guanajuato.

In their haste to leave the helicopter, one of the medics tripped, dropping the cooler containing the heart. A bag containing the organ rolled out on to the concrete, along with ice and a bag of saline.

Recovering their composure, the medics picked up the bag containing the heart, replaced it in the cooler and rushed onwards to the La Raza hospital.

After almost four hours of surgery, hospital officials reported that the operation had been successful and “without incident”. But doctors will have to wait 72 hours to see if the recipient, a 20-year-old woman, has accepted the new organ, which was donated by a 24-year-old man who died on Tuesday after a car crash.

A spokesman from Mexico’s health secretariat said of the incident: “Fortunately, the heart was protected and not damaged.” He explained that the heart was protected in a waterproof steel container, which meant it was never exposed to the outside environment.

Here’s some video:

¡Ay, caramba!

Sure, it’s easy to be a Monday morning quarterback. In hindsight maybe these guys could have done a few things differently. You know…walk briskly instead of run, pick up the damn ice chest instead of rolling it, there were two of you. Check how tight that lid is. I don’t know how litigious people are in Mexico, but if this had happened here there would be a massive lawsuit against the Igloo Corporation.

It’s only funny because it all worked out and the operation was a success. OK, let’s be honest, it would still be freaking hilarious. But I would feel bad about it. A little.

Is It Really What It Is?

So there are certain phrases in the English language that, although they may be useful, I can’t stand. You see one of them in the above picture, lovingly inscribed and ready to hang on your wall: It is what it is.

It is what it is. A masterful turn of phrase. There’s a simple poetry to it’s symmetry, it almost seems like a palindrome. And useful? Holy crap is it ever useful. It can be applied to anything, from the economy and the current geopolitical situation down to the dinner you just cooked. “It’s meatloaf, it’s a little dry. It is what it is. Shut up and eat it.”

Where does it come from? Who said it first? I dunno, normally I would do extensive research and write a 1000 word post about it, but that’s not the point.

It is what it is. It’s a phrase that’s usually accompanied with a shrug or a sigh. It’s defeatist. It’s a couple degrees away from just saying, “To hell with it. F**k it.” The pic that I have at the beginning of this post? It’s a poster for sale at an art website, it’s listed under the keywords “inspirational, inspirational quotes, and quotations.” Are you kidding me? Inspirational? How about whatever the exact opposite of inspirational is? Despirational?

OK, so it is what it is, but do we have to leave it at that? What if Churchill had looked at Hitler’s rise and said, “Well, it is what it is. That Adolf, he’s a scamp.”

What if Jonas Salk had looked at Polio and said, “It is what it is?”

What if God had looked at sinful humans and said, “It is what it is. I’m not sending my son to die for those losers.”

What if Luke Skywalker had looked at The Empire and…OK, Joe, pull it back.

My point is, maybe it is what it is, and maybe we do have to accept it as it is and be realistic about it, but we don’t have to leave it as it is. There’s a line where you go past realism and cross into hopelessness. I don’t want to cross that line.

I am what I am. I’m a 53 year old male with funky brain chemistry etc. Fine. It is what it is, but what am I going to do about it?

To use another well known, probably overused phrase…I’ll get back to you.

Random Movie Review – And Soon the Darkness +

Yes, it’s another two-fer. The 2010 movie And Soon the Darkness was churned out by one of my Random Movie machines, so when I saw that it’s a remake of a 1970 movie I decided to check the original out too. Like my recent RMR post about Narrow Margin and The Narrow Margin, the remake is my actual random movie so I watched it first. I know, it’s ass backwards, but that’s how I roll baby.

And Soon the Darkness (2010)

Director:
Marcos Efron

Writers:
Jennifer Derwingson (Screenplay)
Marcos Efron (Screenplay)
Brian Clemens (Original Screenplay)
Terry Nation (Original Screenplay)

Cast:
Amber Heard – Stephanie
Odette Yustman – Ellie
Karl Urban – Michael
Adriana Barraza – Rosamaria
César Vianco – Calvo
Michel Noher – Chucho

Country:
USA, Argentina, France

Language:
English

Release Dates:
USA – 17 December 2010
UK – 11 February 2011

Ratings:
 USA: R
Australia: MA
Canada: 14A
Portugal: M/16
Singapore: NC-16
IMDb: 5.0/10
Netflix: 3.1/5

Odette Yustman and Amber Heard

The poster for this movie makes it look like it might belong to the “torture porn” genre, and since (as you are aware) I have delicate sensibilities in that department I approached it with some degree of skittishness. Much to my relief, it is not torture porn, just a thriller/horror flick. Except that it isn’t that thrilling or horrifying.

Actually, the genre that this movie does belong in is “movies that wouldn’t exist if the characters didn’t make stupid choices.” Now, we all make mistakes; Lord knows I’ve made more than my share. Our mistakes don’t usually land us in a horror movie though.

As the film starts, we meet Stephanie (Amber Heard) and Ellie (Odette Yustman), two American girls bicycling through Argentina. Turns out that they were traveling with a group and decided to “go AWOL.” First stupid choice. As they walk through the small town, everybody is staring at them. OK, here’s the thing: If you’re in a movie, in a small town, and everybody’s staring at you, things are about to get messed up. Doesn’t matter if it’s a small town in the US or anywhere, it’s one of those movie rules. If you find yourself in a small town and everybody’s staring at you…run like hell.

Well, our girls don’t do that. Instead they get a room, put on dresses, and go to the local cantina to flirt with boys. One of the boys turns out to be not very nice and tries to rape Ellie. Enter another American named Michael who comes to the rescue.

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a...wait, I'm not a doctor in this one."

Michael is played by Karl Urban who played Bones in the Star Trek reboot. Like Bones, Michael is always scowling and looking intense. I kept waiting for him to say, “Are you out of your Vulcan mind? or, “He’s dead, Jim.” Even though there were no Vulcans or people named Jim in the movie. I decided that Michael was either going to be a cop who’s on vacation in Argentina or he was a red herring and was actually going to turn out to be one of the bad guys. I will not reveal whether I was right or not.

In another questionable decision, our girls decide to bike to a river to get some sun. Now at this point I thought, “OK, here comes the gratuitous nudity.”

Nope, just gratuitous bikinis.

Now, I have some conflicting thoughts here. I find myself thinking, “Sheesh, these girls are stupid. Going off by themselves in a strange land, lying around wearing next to nothing.” But I’m also a little ashamed of myself for thinking that. The feminist in me says, “Bullshit! Women have the right to go anywhere they want and wear anything they want.” This is true. Are these young ladies putting themselves in danger any more than if they went to some remote area in the States or in, say, France (well, stay tuned for the next movie)? What if they were two Argentinian girls who biked to a remote spot in Southern California? What if they were wearing burkas? Would I feel less inclined to think that they’re making stupid decisions? What if they were two guys?

The movie plays on those fears, and it strikes a chord of sexism and racism and tries to draw the viewer into it. Was that on purpose? I don’t know, but the movie made me think bad things. It’s like when somebody says, “Eww, this is gross. Taste it.” Then when you taste it they say, “You tasted it! You’re nasty!”

Anyway, the girls have a fight and go their separate ways. Stephanie rides off in a huff, then she returns to find that Ellie has disappeared. So Stephanie is alone in a strange town where she barely speaks the language and doesn’t know who to trust. All I will say at this point is that there are a couple of surprises in the movie, but most of the main plot points you can see coming a mile away.

The Misplaced Boy MST3K Scale:

As I said before, I admire the restraint of the filmmakers to not turn the movie into a bloodbath or go for gratuitous nudity. There is some violence, but nothing too graphic.

Having said that, the movie doesn’t really have a whole lot going for it, and some racist and sexist aspects as well. The best I can give it is…

Observer/Brain Guy

Random Quote Whore Quote:

And Soon the Darkness is a cold, abysmal, recurrence of a movie! Amber Heard is outback!!!

Director:
Robert Fuest

Writers:
Brian Clemens
Terry Nation

Cast:
Pamela Franklin – Jane
Michele Dotrice – Cathy
Sandor Elès – Paul
John Nettleton – Gendarme
Clare Kelly – Schoolmistress
Hana Maria Pravda – Madame Lassal

Country:
UK

Language:
English, French

Release Dates:
UK – 10 September 1970
USA – 4 April 1971

Ratings:UK: AA (1970-1982), 15 (1982-Present)
Iceland:16
USA: GP (1970-1971), PG (1971-Present)
IMDb: 6.6/10
Netflix: 2.9/5

Pamela Franklin and Michele Dotrice

This tidy little thriller was concocted by several veterans of the best British TV show ever, The Avengers, shortly after the show’s demise in 1969. This movie is nothing like the whimsical adventures of John Steed etc., nor is it much like the sci-fi and horror movies that some of its creators went on to make after it. There are no demons or undead creatures, just fear and paranoia on a sunny day in the French countryside.

Yes, you read that right. I said “a sunny day.” Even though the title is “And Soon the Darkness,” there is no darkness. Unlike the remake where the girls stop for the night, this movie takes place in the course of one day. The only real reference to darkness is when Jane (Pamela Franklin) says that they should push on so they aren’t on the road after dark.

Jane and Cathy (Michele Dotrice) are two British nurses on a bicycling holiday in France.  As in the remake, they stop along the way, see a creepy guy, one of them actually seems to think the creepy guy is cute, the girls take a break for a bit of sunshine along the side of the road, they argue and split up, then the smart one goes back to find the other one missing.

Bonjour, I am creepy and I drive a moped. You like me, non?

The creepy guy keeps showing up looking creepy – slightly less so when he takes his sunglasses off. This time his name is Paul and he’s French, but we’re still not sure if he’s a good guy or not. He speaks English, though, that’s helpful. As with the remake, the plot depends on the girls being alone in a strange land and not being able to speak the language, but this time the country is also in Europe and you don’t get that crazy racism vibe that the 2010 version gives off.

And, correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t educated British nurses be able to speak more French than these girls do? I mean, us Amuricans are barely taught to speak English but don’t all Europeans speak at least nine languages?

Or is that a stereotype too?

I’m in trouble again, aren’t I?

Pamela Franklin does a good job. She had quite the career as a scream queen until she retired from acting in the 80s. The film was a bit of a departure from the usual horror/thriller genre because it all took place in daylight. Some of the publicity called it a “sun drenched nightmare.” I don’t know if it really deserves to be compared to Hitchcock’s best, like the poster does, but as thriller’s go it’s a pretty good one.

Maybe I’m generous because I have such great affection for The Avengers, and one could make a pretty good case that this movie marked the beginning of a decline for most involved. Brian Clemens went on to make some lesser era Hammer Films and a Highlander movie, Terry Nation remained a prisoner of The Daleks, and Robert Fuest killed his career by directing The Devil’s Rain – a movie that had Satanic High Priest Anton LaVey as a technical advisor.

Wow! Was LaVey on the set? “Who’s the bald dude over by craft services?” “Oh that’s The Least Reverend Anton LaVey. He’s here to make sure we get the Satanism right.”

The Misplaced Boy MST3K Scale:

Anyway, as you’ve probably guessed, the remake is pointless but the original is worth seeing. I’m giving it a…

Cambot

Random Quote Whore Quote:

And Soon the Darkness is a thrown, favoring, purport of a movie! Pamela Franklin is untwisted!!!

Some Stuff I Saw and Took Pictures Of

All taken with my phone. I don’t pretend to be a photographer, it’s just some things I thought were interesting:

 

Random Movie Review – Blue Crush +

I didn’t plan this, but here in the crush of Winter I give you a couple of movies about surfing in Hawaii. The actual random pick is Blue Crush from 2002, and since it’s a movie about surfing girls I figured I would throw in Soul Surfer, the 2011 movie about real life surfer girl Bethany Hamilton.

Cowabunga!!! (Which is probably something a real surfer would never say.)

Blue Crush

Director:
John Stockwell

Writers:
Susan Orlean
Lizzy Weiss
John Stockwell

Cast:
Kate Bosworth – Anne Marie Chadwick
Matthew Davis – Matt Tollman
Michelle Rodriguez – Eden
Sanoe Lake – Lena
Mika Boorem – Penny Chadwick
Chris Taloa – Drew
Faizon Love – Leslie

Country:
USA, Germany

Language:
English

Release Dates:
USA – 16 August 2002
Canada – 16 August 2002
UK – 4 April 2003
France – 23 July 2003
Germany – 7 August 2003

Ratings:
USA: PG-13
Germany: 6
Canada: PG
UK: 12A
Common Sense Media Rating: Iffy for 13+
IMDb: 5.5/10
Metacritic: 61/100
Netflix: 3.4/5
Rotten Tomatoes: 61% (Fresh)

L-R: Mika Boorem, Michelle Rodriguez, Kate Bosworth, & Sanoe Lake

So, even though I am a child of Southern California, I am not a surfer. As with all sports, it’s a sport: It requires practice, concentration, endurance, and…how do I put this…not being a complete spazz. Like I said, surfing is a sport therefore I suck at it. Now that doesn’t mean that I didn’t go to the beach and goof off with a boogie board every once in a while, but my knowledge of actual big time surfing is limited to listening to The Beach Boys, repeated viewings with Boodles of the Surf’s Up episode of The Backyardigans, and this movie.

Tania and I actually rented this back in the day, but I forgot about most of it except for one scene (that I’ll talk about in a bit) and how amazing the photography of the surfing is. Whatever you think of the story, the movie is worth watching for the surfing footage alone.

But there is a story, and it succeeds to an extent. Anne Marie (Kate Bosworth) is a talented surfer who dreams of going pro. She lives in Oʻahu with her friends Eden (Michelle Rodriguez), Lena (Sanoe Lake), and her 14-year-old sister, Penny (Mika Boorem). When she isn’t surfing, she works with Eden and Lena at a resort hotel as a maid. Anne Marie has a chance to compete at The Pipe Masters with the best pro surfers in the world, but she is haunted by a near death experience there, she is also a bit distracted by a guy she just met.

Matt (Matthew Davis) is an NFL football player who is at the hotel with some of his teammates and their WAGs (wives and girlfriends). Matt is conveniently WAGless and he and Anne Marie start a romance. Ann Marie’s friends, especially Eden, think that between her fear and spending too much time with Matt that she is going to miss her chance.

The movie follows tried and true sports movie formulas, in fact you could probably call it a female Rocky with bikinis. Pretty much everybody in the movie has a perfect 0% fat body with one exception: Matt’s teammate Leslie (Faizon Love) has a big linebacker’s body and that might have provided a break from all the skinny asses in the movie, but I did not need to see him in his “nuthuggers.” Also, there’s a scene where Ann Marie “schools” Leslie about how obscenely messy his room is; maybe I’m too sensitive, but watching a white woman confront a black man about his behavior made Tania and I uncomfortable.

The screenplay does have a couple pretty good lines and some surprises, but too often falls into predictability. At one point Matt brings Ann Marie to a dinner, and Ann Marie goes to the Ladies Room. You just know that the other WAGs are going to come into the Ladies Room and she’s going to overhear them talking trash about her. Well, guess what? The other WAGs come into the Ladies Room and she overhears them talking trash about her.

As I said before, the surfing is spectacular though. All of the surfing in the movie is real, special effects were used to paste Bosworth’s face onto the bodies of actual surfers. Kate Bosworth is a lovely young actress, but I wish that Michelle Rodriguez or Sanoe Lake had played the main character; I find them much more interesting, and Lake is actually a professional surfer.

The Misplaced Boy MST3K Scale:

So Blue Crush is worth watching at least for the surfing, but the best I can give it is…

Nanites

Random Quote Whore Quote:

Blue Crush is a graminivorous, untippable, committee of a movie! Kate Bosworth is staggering!!!

Soul Surfer

Director:
Sean McNamara

Writers:
Sean McNamara (Screenplay & Screen Story)
Deborah Schwartz (Screenplay & Screen Story)
Douglas Schwartz (Screenplay & Screen Story)
Michael Berk (Screenplay & Screen Story)
Matt Allen (Screen Story)
Caleb Wilson (Screen Story)
Brad Gann (Screen Story)
Bethany Hamilton (Book “Soul Surfer”)
Sheryl Berk (Book “Soul Surfer”)
Rick Bundschuh (Book “Soul Surfer”)

Cast:
AnnaSophia Robb – Bethany Hamilton
Helen Hunt – Cheri Hamilton
Dennis Quaid – Tom Hamilton
Lorraine Nicholson – Alana Blanchard
Kevin Sorbo – Holt Blanchard
Carrie Underwood – Sarah Hill

Country:
USA

Language:
English

Release Dates:
USA – 8 April 2011
Canada – 8 April 2011
UK – 23 September 2011

Ratings:
USA: PG
UK: PG
Common Sense Media Rating: OK for kids 10+
IMDb: 6.8/10
Metacritic: 53/100
Netflix: 4.3/5
Rotten Tomatoes: 46% (Rotten)

Back in the day when Tania and I were married, she didn’t want to know anything about a movie before she saw it. Conversations would go something like this:

Joe: “Wanna go to a movie tonight?
Tania: “Sure. What’s playing?”
Joe: “There’s this new Tom Hanks movie that looks really good.”
Tania: “OK.”
Joe: “He plays a guy who…”
Tania: “Don’t tell me. Let’s go see it.”
Joe: “It’s directed by the same guy who did…”
Tania: “OK. I want to see it. Shut up.”

I’m a little slow, but after a while I figured it out. All she wanted to know about a movie was where it was playing and when it started. She wanted to be totally immersed in a movie and didn’t want to have any preconceived notions going in. I can see her point, and I don’t read as many reviews as I used to so I do get that experience occasionally.

So…why am I telling you all this? Well, I try very hard not to give away any spoilers in these here reviews, and what I’m about to tell you probably isn’t technically a spoiler since it’s kinda the whole point of the movie, but if you are like Tania you might not want to read the next sentence…

In October of 2003 (about a year after Blue Crush came out) an up and coming 13 year old surfer named Bethany Hamilton was surfing with friends on Tunnels Beach in Kauai when she was attacked by a 15 foot long tiger shark who ripped off her left arm just below the shoulder.

The real Bethany Hamilton in a surfing competition Aug. 2, 2003, in Hawaii a few months before the attack.

There, I said it. Do you hate me now? This event takes place 22 minutes into the movie so there’s a lot more to it. Bethany wrote about the attack and her recovery/comeback in her 2004 book Soul Surfer: A True Story of Faith, Family, and Fighting to Get Back on the Board, which is the basis for the movie.

Bethany in 2004.

Here’s the thing: Bethany Hamilton is a very strong young lady with a deep faith in God, she and her family are devout Christians. This movie not only doesn’t downplay their faith, it shows it in detail. I am of two minds about this. On one hand, I’m happy to see faith portrayed on the big and little screens. It is a part of our lives, even those who don’t believe. On the other hand, the “Christian But” side of me – old Mr. Cynic himself – can’t help but note that the movie is distributed by Affirm Films, a subsidiary of Sony whose goal is to squeeze the wallets of Christians market films that “inspire, uplift, and entertain audiences.”

Affirm Films has also brought us films like Fireproof and Facing the Giants, both of which people at my Southern Baptist church were crazy about. They didn’t produce Soul Surfer though, in fact some of the execs at Mandalay were concerned about some of the blatantly Christian content. Yeah…this is the same company that released a Dennis Rodman/Jean-Claude Van Damme ”vehicle” in the 90s.

Remember when I wrote about Christian Movie Reviewers? And how that is actually a thing? Of course you do. Well, they also have mixed thoughts about this one. The movie does have positive values and affirms faith, but the girls wear bikinis and belly buttons make God cry.

L-R: Bethany Hamilton & AnnaSophia Robb

Whatever…about the actual movie. It’s pretty good. Maybe it’s a little heavy handed on the faith and overcoming adversity stuff, but it worked for me. It made me cry, not that it’s hard to make me cry. I’m a cryer.

AnnaSophia Robb plays Bethany and does a good job. You have to suspend disbelief a little bit due to the fact that Bethany Hamilton was 13 when the attack happened and Robb was 17 during filming. It is a biopic, so some of the events/names/etc are changed. We’ve gone over this before, you know the drill.

Dennis Quaid plays Bethany’s Dad and Helen Hunt plays her Mom. Man I used to have the biggest crush on Helen Hunt back in the Mad About You days. I talked to somebody who used to work on the show who said that she was a huge diva and nobody liked her. I assume that the internet confirms this, but I’m too lazy to check. Oh Jeeves, do be a good lad and find out if Helen was a “rhymes with.” Jeeves is worthless these days.

AnnaSophia Robb wearing a green sleeve that allowed for her arm to be digitally removed.

Obviously quite a bit of special effects work went into digitally removing Robb’s arm. Bethany Hamilton did all the surfing scenes, and they are pretty great, but Blue Crush seems to have more surfing in it.

While I was writing this, I got an e-mail from an environmental group (every tree hugger/bleeding heart charity on Earth has my e-mail address) called Save the Sharks. Is it in bad taste for me to assume that this is not Bethany’s favorite charity? Does she watch Shark Week on Discovery Channel? Does she like the song Mack the Knife? Has she ever heard of the song Mack the Knife? Does she watch the last scene of Jaws over and over again yelling, “Smile you son of a..!”

No, she’s a good Christian girl. She’s forgiven the shark.

I, on the other hand, am probably going straight to hell for writing all this crap.

OK, so right about now you are yelling at your computing device. You are saying “Dagnabit! I’m on my way to the damn video store, just tell me which VHS to rent!” Because, apparently you’re now a grizzled World War I veteran. And it’s 1986.

The Misplaced Boy MST3K Scale:

Of the two of these movies, I would have to give Soul Surfer the edge. It might lay it on a little thick at times, but it has real heart behind it and the character’s victory seems genuine. That’s of course, because it is.

All incredibly inappropriate kidding aside, Bethany Hamilton really is an inspirational rock star. Can you imagine? A shark rips her friggin arm off and she’s back surfing three weeks later! I would have moved to Kansas and refused to even get in a bathtub again. Ever.

I’m giving Soul Surfer a…

Tom Servo

Random Quote Whore Quote:

Soul Surfer is a nonpinaceous, side, analogue of a movie! AnnaSophia Robb is soapiest!!!