So as a courtesy to my fellow travelers on the freeways and streets, a few friendly suggestions:

• The lever to the left of your steering wheel is called a “turn signal.” It is used when you are turning. To let other people know that you are turning. In most cars you move the lever up to indicate a right turn and down to signal a left turn. If you are unclear on the concept of “right” or “left,” the left is where you’re sitting…unless you’re a mail carrier or driving a British car.

• Drivers who switch from lane to lane with barely inches between them and the cars around them must be warm and considerate lovers with ample endowment and absolutely no concerns about their sexual prowess. How satisfied their bed mates must be.

• If you choose to tailgate me, I interpret that act as your subtle suggestion that I am exceeding the speed limit, and that I should slow down to said speed limit. I appreciate your concern for my safety.

• If you not only tailgate me, but then flash your brights, I interpret that as your suggestion that the posted speed limit is just too high and that you would like for me to slow down further. Again, thank you.

• When entering a driveway to a busy parking lot, feel free to take up the entire driveway even if another driver is attempting to exit the same driveway. Under no circumstances should you ever entertain the thought that you are not the only person in the entire blessed universe. That other vehicle is an illusion, ignore it and keep driving as if you are the only driver who exists and has ever existed. You and your car that is the size of a World War II tank and can haul a basketball team and their equipment but oddly only contains you and your groceries are all that matters. God and His angels are smiling benignly down on you and your Hummer and your gangsta rap that’s all about your street cred even though you wouldn’t last five minutes on any street except Main Street at Disneyland. Just drive on, satisfied in the knowledge that any day now The Douchebag Association of America will meet in their secret headquarters somewhere in Florida and proclaim you the Grand Douche Lord God King Douchebag. Please proceed Lord God King, proceed to Walmart so you can buy those mediocre yet seductively overpriced Beats by Dre headphones. You’ve earned them.

That is all. Drive interestingly.

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Any suggestions or tips for your fellow drivers? Please share them!


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