So as I write this sentence it is 4pm on New Year’s Eve and I am sitting at Panera. I have given up work for the day because I’m getting nothing but deadbeats at the Kmart I was at. I’m at Panera because they have wi-fi, good lighting, and an abundance of sweet tea. Can I live here?
I have no internet access at home because earlier this week my sister rearranged her den, and since she moved everything the internet has been down. Some plug came loose or something, but we checked everything out and neither one of us could figure out what it was. This being New Year’s weekend, she can’t get ahold of anybody at Charter so I’m screwed.
Hence, I am at Panera. I should stay here and actually write and post this, but I don’t like writing in public. I’m just not one of those guys who sit in Starbucks or Panera and write in public. Too many distractions, or not enough. I dunno.
Maybe I’ve seen this clip from Family Guy too many times:
So what I’ll do is download the following stats and finish this thing at home. Then if Iris hasn’t got the internet thing figured out then I’ll have to come back here and post this when I can get online.
It’s a pain in the ass, I can’t stand life without the internets. What am I going to do in the New Earth when I’m a flying turtle? Will I still be able to check Facebook? Will Twitter still exist so I can tweet “Being a flying turtle rocks! LOL”
It’s now the morning of January 3, 2011 and still no internet at home. I am going to try to finish this thing while I wait to hear from my boss. I’m now at a McDonalds down the street from his place. This year-end wrap up will be a combination of the stats I see on my dashboard and a thing that the helper monkeys at WordPress sent me.
Anyway, enough whining. Let’s see how your favorite blog did in 2011. First, especially for Cheyelle, let’s start with some fireworks:
Wow! This is pretty cool. Thank you stat monkeys!
I don’t think I’m slick enough to put the actual fireworks in this post, it’s a wonder that I’ve figured out how to do screenshots. You can see it here.
OK, I don’t remember that pic in the middle. I’ll try to fix it later.
Turns out that on December 31, I actually had my busiest day. 223 views!
Here’s some more about the search terms that led the most people to le blog:
|1. fail tattoo||1,369|
|2. tattoo fail||1,352|
|4. mariah carey n****e||232|
|5. tattoo fails||222|
|6. fails of the week||194|
|7. failed tattoo||177|
|8. failed tattoos||158|
|9. mariah carey n****es||144|
|10. paper boy||141|
|1. tattoo fail||1,426|
|2. fail tattoo||1,392|
|4. tattoo fails||312|
|5. christmas tree fire||257|
|6. mariah carey n****e||237|
|7. chipmunk punk||224|
|8. people of walmart christmas||209|
|9. fails of the week||196|
|10. failed tattoo||177|
Wow, people out there sure love them some tattoo fails don’t they? So much that I am now seriously considering getting a tattoo myself and putting a picture of it on the blog. Of course, in keeping with the idea of “tattoo fail” it will have to be a bad one. I will throw the floor open for suggestions as to what the tattoo should be and what part of my fabulous physique I should adorn with it. I look forward to your comments.
People also love them some Mariah Carey, especially the part of her that Bob Seger would call “points of her own sitting way up high.” I hesitate to say the word again because I don’t want to get any more blog hits because of it. I also edited the word in my previous list. Let’s just say this: She has two of them, she probably uses them to feed her babies, and they rhyme with “schmipples.”
The funny thing is, the original post that attracts all these horny search engine hits does not show said items. It doesn’t even mention them. It was a silly addition to my “12 Bad Songs of Christmas” list where I playfully proclaimed my love for Mariah and got very creepy and stalkery in so doing. I then added a “disclaimer” where I said that stalking is wrong and that I should be punished…by Mariah. I said something to the effect of “spank me and twist my n*****s.”
Just good clean fun, but it has resulted in almost 2,000 horny internet boys looking for Mariah Carey’s n*****s and finding only a brief reference to my own. The thing that surprises is me is that, as many hits as the post has received, I still haven’t gotten a badly spelled post from one of these internet boys about how disappointed they were and how much I suck. Well, here’s hoping.
By the way, strictly for research purposes I did go looking on the web for Mariah Carey’s n*****s and they can be found. Keep looking boys, keep hope alive!
Clearly I’m a global phenomenon. According to ClustrMaps here are my Top 10:
|1.||United States (US)|
|2.||United Kingdom (GB)|
Why is Cheyelle on there twice? I dunno…you’d have to ask the helper monkeys. I also don’t see Pheebs or Brown-Eyed Girl. Hmmm…I will definitely have to talk to the monkeys about that. They’ll probably throw poo at me.
Again, at the risk of incurring the wrath of the monkeys, I got slightly different results when I crunched the numbers:
This year I decided to do the WordPress “Post A Week 2011” challenge. Nailed it! I did 73 posts with the tag postaweek2011. Will I do “Post A Day 2012” now? No frikkin way.
As of 4:03 pm on December 31, 2011 my little blog has received 35,712 hits.
You all effing rawk!
I thank you so much, and I will continue to do all I can to make your favorite blog better and better this year. The fact that a small but significant portion of the blogosphere likes what I do makes me very happy.