So here we are at the end of 2011. If you believe the Mayans and the dude who directed the remake of Godzilla, 2012 isn’t going to be a good year for most of us. Actually, I think the Mayans and the dude who directed Independence Day are both full of it, but just to be safe I applied to this website to become a Citizen of New Earth, or CONE. Good news! I was accepted! So while the rest of you perish I will become a flying turtle or some shit.
It’s not really clear exactly how I will appear in the New Earth, but I’m hoping for blue skin and lots of hair. A guy can dream can’t he?
I don’t remember how I first found out about CONE, but at first I applied as a joke. The more I looked at their website I became convinced that they are the real deal for two reasons:
1. They don’t ask for money.
2. The website bears the universal symbol for quality and seriousness:
The application was quite simple. You just have to fill out an online form and say why you think you would be a good addition to the New Earth. I said that I was a nice guy and a good writer. A few months later, the CONEheads (I’m not making fun, that’s what they call themselves) sent me an email directing me to the New Citizens section of the site to see my new name. So as to maintain my anonymity I will not reveal my new CONE name here, but it is based on my application and is something along the lines of GOODMAN Q. WRITEBOY.
Again, I kept waiting for somebody to ask me for money, and they haven’t yet. Which puts them on a higher sincerity level than 99% of the religious organizations in the Old Earth. The site does have ads and you can purchase CONE items such as ball caps and water bottles (in the New Earth and the Old, it’s always important to stay hydrated).
Looking through my fellow New Citizens did not inspire me with enthusiasm, however. There were, of course, lots of New Age, Pyramid, Crystals types, Neo-Mayans, and then there are the weirdos.
One woman wrote: “i am so fat and im so black, basically if there’s something big gonna happen, i’m FUCKED. also, i’m a easy lay, so i can help single men have a black time.” Yeah, they named her MOTHERLOVEBONATHON.
Another person wrote: “My signature protein shakes and an intricate knowledge of John Deere Tractors.” Because we know that two things will survive the cataclysm: Blenders and John Deere tractors. They named him LUMBERDAFALOSIS.
This guy looks like a winner: “because im a white male of pure blood.” Yeah, the Old Earth has been very rough on white men. Let’s hope we do better in the new one. They named this guy NED ODTONEROM. I would have gone with something more like KKKLANUS ASSHOLEROM.
And my favorite: “I will distrubute the population and have sex with young women to make healthy babies.” PASALLIMON THEMORUS. There will apparently be no need for proper spelling or punctuation in the New Earth, but flying turtles will still need to get their sex on.
I shouldn’t make fun of it though. I wouldn’t want to be thought of as intolerint of other peeples beleefs.
I’m going to get kicked out of the New Earth for being a smartass aren’t I?
One other possible disaster that might occur in 2012, if you watch Fox News or listen to talk radio, will be the reelection of Barack Hussein Born in Kenya Communist 666 Obama. If the very face of evil is once again allowed to fraudulently attain the Presidency in November of 2012, all USA flags will be rounded up and replaced with the hammer and sickle, the United States of America will be renamed the Peoples Republic of Pot Smoking Gay Hippies, we will surrender all of our freedoms and instantly become a nanny state with free health care like *shudder* Canada.
Seriously, Mayans and pundits aside, some stuff will go down in 2012; and in a Misplaced Boy first, I will boldly go out on a limb and make the following predictions for 2012:
- A US presidential election will be held in 2012. The winner of this election will be a middle aged American male, possibly Black or Mormon.
- A natural disaster will occur somewhere in the US causing much destruction and loss of life. Pat Robertson will claim that it is God’s wrath on homosexuals.
- A major sporting event will take place in or near London. Spectators from all over the world will converge on that location to be inspired by great pageantry, breathtaking athletic feats, and nearly naked Beach Volleyball players.
- The Kardashians and the cast members of Jersey Shore will continue to battle it out for the title of “Most Obscene Fame Whores.” Everyone will claim to hate them, and yet they will still get audiences.
- A well known celebrity will come out of the closet and make an “It Gets Better” video.
- That celebrity will not be Tom Cruise.
- John Boehner will cry, and will look like a drunk Oompa Loompa.
- Tyler Perry’s Tyler Perry will release a Tyler Perry movie with Tyler’s Perry’s name on it. Tyler Perry.
- Two and a Half Men will continue to suck worse than a vacuum cleaner on steroids, and yet…see #4.
- Finally, A Misplaced Boy will keep writing his silly little blog, and he will be profoundly grateful for everyone who reads it.
There you go, my predictions for 2012. Just call me Nostradumbass.
I’ll be back on New Year’s Eve with a year end wrap up post with the most popular posts of the year and such. See you then and, as always, thank you so much for reading AMB!