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This is a rant, basically emotional diarrhea that I’m putting out there without a lot of self-censorship or footnotes or even tags. It just reflects where I’m at this morning having spent the morning with my brother-in-law (my sister is out of town) who fell in the middle of the night.

It’s pretty dark, so I will understand if you don’t want to read it. If you do, read it quick because knowing me I’ll probably chicken out and delete it soon.

Entropy

Chaos

Disorder

Decay

This is our natural state.

The ice becomes water.

The hot cocoa becomes slimy and covered with fuzz.

Our once lithe, vigorous bodies become weak and treacherous. They make promises that they don’t deliver. My brother-in-law, who once played tennis twice a week and had a deadly backhand, now falls twice a week and none of us are strong enough to help him stand without calling 911.

Just when you get to know who you are, start to make a little sense of the world around you, the world starts to take the sense away, AARP starts pestering you, members of the opposite sex stop pestering you, friends move away or start dying.

We build up these systems, these beautiful systems: Banking that offers you savings and opportunity, but mostly for them. Medical care that you can’t afford. Broadcasting and cable and wireless and world wide web that offer you information and enlightenment but mostly porn and Jersey Shore.

Highways and bridges and streets and subways and garbage pickup and clean water and police and paramedics that come and pick up a 69 year old man that used to play tennis twice a week who now falls twice a week. It all costs money, and we’re broke.

I’m broke because my entropy keeps me discouraged and keeps me from looking for work.

You may not be broke, but unless your last name is Gates or Buffet or freaking Walton you’re probably just barely hanging on.

Your city and county are broke.

Your state is broke.

Your country is broke…mine sure is. Our president is a smart man, but he doesn’t seem to know what to do about it. There are a dozen men and a woman (or two) out there who want to take that job from him next year. Who the hell would want it? It’s the ultimate expression of the brilliant Catch 22 that Heller invented 50 years ago. The job of President of the United States (or any country) should go to the brightest and best among us, and not to the craziest among us, and yet you would have to be bat-shit crazy to even apply.

It’s all falling apart…this nice little infrastructure that we’ve built for ourselves. The center cannot hold. It may last long enough for me and my 53 year old ass, it may even last long enough for my daughter. God, I hope so. But it cannot hold.

Entropy

Chaos

Disorder

Decay

It’s why I’m not a humanist. Just in this past century alone we’ve seen too much of what humans are capable of.

It’s why I’m not a libertarian. We need structure, religion, government, laws, regulations, a sovereign to keep us in line and keep our lives as far away from solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short as possible. But who keeps that sovereign in line? There’s your trouble.

It’s why I’m not an atheist. I have to believe that there’s somebody out there that knows about all of this. A God that knows me, a God that understands the way things are, but God damn it why does it all come down to

Entropy

Chaos

Disorder

Decay?

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6 thoughts on “Entropy

  1. I guess you deleted your latest post after all; so I thought I’d comment on this post.

    I’ve kinda been in hiding lately because of this same topic; my bunny past away last Sunday and I haven’t had the nerve to talk about online… but I plan on uploading a video soon.

    So you could imagine I’ve been struggling with Death, Decay and my own personal entropy. I’ve been stuck in the anger stage which might have helped.

    I guess I’ve progressed because I’ve realized, although those negative states of being or factors of life are inevitable; they are just a part of life but do not define it completely…

    There’s so much more – life’s ills have an antithesis:
    Purpose
    Harmony
    Serendipity
    Rebirth

  2. Okay, I promise I won’t comment on every post here. I just can’t stop myself on this one.

    Wow. I’m beginning to understand why I relate to your writing so much. Its not often I come across peeps here in the blogosphere I consider contemporaries. If you hadn’t mentioned your age I would have never guessed. I’ve come to assume I am old enough to be many of the bloggers hereabouts mother and occasionally even grandmother. Your circumstances and experiences mirror mine and like I said elsewhere, you make sense.

    Please NO deleting. I don’t want to miss anything. Writing like yours is hard to find.

    • First of all…please Please PLEASE comment on every post if you want to!

      Yeah, because I’m still too chicken to put my face and real name on le blog, people might not know how old I am, but I’m 53. I don’t know how that happened. I try to keep up and not become too much of a fuddy dud, but I don’t like most of the stuff “kids today” are into (the last new band I liked was Pixies). The best I can do is keep on truckin’ (as we used to say in the 70s) and keep some integrity about it. If I’m going to be the old man yelling at kids to get off my lawn, at least I’ll have a sense of humor about it 🙂

      Regarding my writing, I try to keep it real and NOT censor myself. That’s part of the reason why I use a “nom de blog.” But every once in a while I come up with something that just seems too dark and hopeless, and I don’t want people who know me and care about me to worry. By many measures my life is pretty f***ked up, but I haven’t given up hope. I refuse to.

      Thank you so much for your comments and encouragement. Means a lot to me.

  3. Don’t be feeling too old . . . I remember the Pixies AND when those freaking-looking dudes with the big feet were everywhere. Now let the kids figure out what that means. LOL

    We all have those dark and hopeless times, but the nice thing about getting older is that we know from experience that they won’t last forever.

    I most certainly intend to encourage you. Your blog is fast becoming my guilty pleasure. If I have to be stuck in front of the computer all day grovelling for a job, I need something to read that makes me smile.

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