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Due to loss of job/insurance, I’m changing depression meds and not handling it well. I will most likely be cranky and horizontal through the weekend and the first part of next week. But despite the above, not suicidal. Scout’s honor.

See you on the other side, and thanks for your support. I do not take it lightly.

Joe

Update: July 26, 2011

So I posted this thing a few days ago and then took it down for a while because it seemed maudlin and pity partyish to me after I thought about it. Four wonderful friends had already commented with support by the time I got around to taking it down, otherwise I might have just deleted it. Not that my problems aren’t real and that I don’t have the right to complain every once in a while, but I want to be known as the guy who writes about real stuff in a reasonably entertaining and enlightening way, not just as Whiney Whinerpants.

Also, I know a lot of people worry about me out there, and I don’t want you to be overly concerned. In spite of the fact that I posted an ad for Fuckitol above (not a real product by the way), I have not seriously planned to actually say “Fuck it all” and end my life.

As I have said in the past, I have a limiter. One of the few things I remember from the technical side of my radio station jobs is that a limiter keeps input at a certain level. It’s basically a switch that cuts off input that’s too loud or powerful. Even in my bleakest moments, even if I had a plan on how I would actually kill myself, my limiter kicks in and says, “Dude. Think about what this would do the people who love you. It would scar your daughter for life and probably kill your Mother, so don’t be a dickhead.” Something along those lines.

I know that many people who succumb to suicidal thoughts do not have this limiter, or it no longer serves its function. The pain has become so unbearable that it seems that there is no other option. None. They think whatever’s on the other side has got to be better than this.

For a band known more for party songs than profound statements, I’ve always been struck by these lines from Van Halen:

I’ve been to the edge,
I stood and looked down
You know I lost a lot of friends there baby

Yes, I’ve stood on the edge and looked down, but I’m not going off it. For my family, for Boodles, and for you I make that promise.

Better living through chemistry has started again. The Effexor that I’ve been taking for years is too expensive without insurance, even the generic version, so I finally got a chance to see my doc yesterday and he put me on the generic for Celexa. That’s a new one for me, but so far so good, at least I’m not as tearful etc. Or maybe it’s just the placebo effect. Wow! Placebos are great!

Anyway, as I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, to those who care I thank you. For those who are just reading this, I hope that my silly little blog will help you – or help you with the people you do care about.

I guess this past weekend, all the news about Norway and Amy Winehouse has got me thinking about how tenuous our grasp on this life is and how much we need to tell people that we love them. Daily.

See? I fixed this post…now it’s not maudlin at all.

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9 thoughts on “To those who care… (Redux)

    • I know Cheyelle, even though you’re a world away, I feel your love and consider you a true friend even though we haven’t met in person.

  1. Bravo!
    Glad you brought it back; you’re absolutely right, there’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings and concerns. If we tried to shrug it all off and pretend we’re ok, we’d EXPLODE!

    and Fuckitol can’t fix THAT!
    ^_~

    • Thanks Pheebs, I’ll try to not worry about expressing myself in the future. Like I said below in my response to Crystal, I think I censored myself a bit here, and there’s no need for that.

      Exploding is bad. X_X

  2. Trying to think of something to say here to let you know that I’m a silent presence here. I know you want a vocal presence but I don’t always comply. But I do check this blog periodically and its one of the few blogs that I read the whole way through, without skipping any posts.
    Its nice to get upbeat and funny posts sometimes, but more importantly, I want to know that you are being you. I go here for honesty. I go here for “Joe.”
    Being Joe is what you do best. Perfectly. And so I count on The Misplaced Boy to give me Joe. Thanks for never disappointing me.

    • Crystal, I feel your silent presence and appreciate it greatly (even if WordPress can’t quite figure out who you are :-/ ).
      I think you’re right, one of the best things I have is my honesty, and that is what my small but loyal group of fervent readers has come to expect from me. Sometimes I can do it in an upbeat or funny way, other times it can be angry and expletive-filled, or sad, but I do always strive to provide life from my own particular “Joe” point of view.
      But I also want to lead with hope, because I do have hope that my life will get better. I’m not a Pollyanna, but I do honestly believe (most of the time) that there is hope…and if there’s one thing that I want people to take away from this blog (other than the occasional cheap laugh) it’s that there is hope. Hope in a big God, or even hope in the fact that people around you have gone through shit too and can help you.
      I guess I just felt that this post, as I put it up originally, wasn’t finished. I wanted to finish it…but the message I’m getting from you and the others who have commented is that maybe I censored myself, and I shouldn’t do that.
      Again, thanks for being there.

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