Due to loss of job/insurance, I’m changing depression meds and not handling it well. I will most likely be cranky and horizontal through the weekend and the first part of next week. But despite the above, not suicidal. Scout’s honor.
See you on the other side, and thanks for your support. I do not take it lightly.
Update: July 26, 2011
So I posted this thing a few days ago and then took it down for a while because it seemed maudlin and pity partyish to me after I thought about it. Four wonderful friends had already commented with support by the time I got around to taking it down, otherwise I might have just deleted it. Not that my problems aren’t real and that I don’t have the right to complain every once in a while, but I want to be known as the guy who writes about real stuff in a reasonably entertaining and enlightening way, not just as Whiney Whinerpants.
Also, I know a lot of people worry about me out there, and I don’t want you to be overly concerned. In spite of the fact that I posted an ad for Fuckitol above (not a real product by the way), I have not seriously planned to actually say “Fuck it all” and end my life.
As I have said in the past, I have a limiter. One of the few things I remember from the technical side of my radio station jobs is that a limiter keeps input at a certain level. It’s basically a switch that cuts off input that’s too loud or powerful. Even in my bleakest moments, even if I had a plan on how I would actually kill myself, my limiter kicks in and says, “Dude. Think about what this would do the people who love you. It would scar your daughter for life and probably kill your Mother, so don’t be a dickhead.” Something along those lines.
I know that many people who succumb to suicidal thoughts do not have this limiter, or it no longer serves its function. The pain has become so unbearable that it seems that there is no other option. None. They think whatever’s on the other side has got to be better than this.
For a band known more for party songs than profound statements, I’ve always been struck by these lines from Van Halen:
I’ve been to the edge,
I stood and looked down
You know I lost a lot of friends there baby
Yes, I’ve stood on the edge and looked down, but I’m not going off it. For my family, for Boodles, and for you I make that promise.
Better living through chemistry has started again. The Effexor that I’ve been taking for years is too expensive without insurance, even the generic version, so I finally got a chance to see my doc yesterday and he put me on the generic for Celexa. That’s a new one for me, but so far so good, at least I’m not as tearful etc. Or maybe it’s just the placebo effect. Wow! Placebos are great!
Anyway, as I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, to those who care I thank you. For those who are just reading this, I hope that my silly little blog will help you – or help you with the people you do care about.
See? I fixed this post…now it’s not maudlin at all.