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OK, this is just going to be some random, disjointed thoughts on current events and some stuff that’s been bugging me.

In case you haven’t heard, Osama Bin Laden was shot and killed recently by a bunch of bad ass Navy Seals. No, Barack Obama did not pull the trigger. So why is he getting the credit for it? Because, unlike his predecessor Mr. Bring It On/Dead or Alive/Smoke Him Out, he ordered the surveillance, confirmed the evidence that bin Laden was there, and gave the go-ahead as Commander in Chief. Pictured above you see the steely look of a President who is determined. I’m sorry but that’s the guy I want in office.

As opposed to…

And, may I just add that Obama didn’t celebrate the successful kill by dressing up in a little flight suit and hanging up a “Mission Accomplished” banner. He didn’t even do this:

Although some of us might have dug it if he had.

While I’m ranting, another thing: Bin Laden was found by good old fashioned detective work, not waterboarding or some other torture that the boys in some creepy dungeon somewhere dream up. 24 is a TV show, folks. Jack Bauer is a fictional character. Please make a note of it.

All I’m saying is, give credit where credit is due. Bush pretty much gave up on finding bin Laden, but under Obama’s watch it got done.

Of course, lots of people, from Sarah Palin to most of the potential Republican Presidential candidates to some of my Facebook friends seem to be unable to do just that: Give credit where credit is due. Here’s an example of the kind of thing that is going around on Facebook:

Yes. You’re right. As I previously stated, Obama did not literally kill bin Laden. We must also remember that bin Laden did not literally kill 3000 people on 9/11. He didn’t fly any of the planes, so why were we even going after him?

And the soldier’s pay thing? That was a standoff between Obama and the Republicans in Congress. Basically a pissing contest. If you want to bring that up then you need to blame both sides. Credit where credit’s due, right?

But, let’s be honest. This is about politics. People who don’t like Obama because of his policies will have problems saying good things about him. I understand this. I was there for eight years with the other guy. Which brings me to the very strange subset of the American populace known as “birthers.” I have come to believe that if you state a belief with enough conviction, and get your belief out there into the mainstream, you can get a certain percentage of people to believe it no matter how ridiculous it may be.

To test this theory, I am now going to let you, my fervent readers, in on an amazing thing I’ve discovered:

If you wear a live ferret on your head, you will attract money, love, health, and everything else that you desire. Not only that, but the ferret has the unique ability to absorb negative energy, pain, and depression and release it harmlessly when it defecates (and this is the only time you will want to take your ferret off your head, otherwise the negative energy will fall back onto you in the form of shit). Now, I know that this sounds too good to be true, but it is. Scientists, doctors, and other people who do things have discovered that the sentence you are reading is composed entirely of words.

Now that you have been given this information, you must pass it on to 26 people in the next 38 minutes. If you don’t, three random people that you know will turn blue.

See what you did?

The people who adopt my life changing plan will be known as “ferretheads.” In fact, I’m going to go ahead and copyright the word “ferrethead” right now by turning counter-clockwise five times chanting the word “ferrethead.”

Done, ferrethead©. Now you have to pay me a nickel for every time you use the word, which will be everyday.

The term ferrethead© will not only mean people who wear magical ferrets on their heads, but people who believe strange things. Thus, birthers – people who just can’t bring themselves to believe that the first black President of the United States wasn’t born in Kenya – ferretheads©. Now, I don’t necessarily think that all birther/ferretheads© are racist, but the birther movement surely strikes me as a racist idea. Some people who don’t like Barack Obama and disagree with what he wants to do, whether they dislike him because of his ethnicity or not, find it easy to believe that he lied and cheated his way into the presidency and is lying about being born in Hawaii.

Again, I understand this; I suffered through eight long years of George W. Bush in the White House. Soon after 9/11, conspiracy theories started to come out suggesting that Bush, Cheney, et al were complicit in the attacks. People who believed this were known as “truthers,” I would also venture to call them ferretheads©. There were all kinds of allegations about Building 7 and black helicopters etc., and for a while there I found myself eating it up like candy, because I hated Bush/Cheney; but ultimately I came to the conclusion that, as much as I hated their policies, I couldn’t bring myself to believe the idea that they were that evil. But I do get the lure of ferretheadism©, it’s like strangers with candy. Never a good idea.

So birther/ferretheadism© was around during the 2008 election and looked like it might have died down, until one man resurrected it. A man who is truly the Patron Saint of Ferretheads©, the Prophet of Ferretheads©, the Ferrethead© in Chief:

Donald John Trump “The Donald”, Sr.

Of course, Trump has been wearing his ferret for years now. In fact, since ferrets only live 7-10 years, he has gone through several ferrets. As many ferretheads© do, Trump has a collection of ferrets. A daytime ferret, an evening ferret, an overnight ferret, and so on. Well, you can’t argue with his success… that is, until the past week or so.

You see, Donny Trump has been making noises about running for president as a Republican in 2012. Now, nobody who actually has any brains under their ferret really believes that he is going to do this, he’s just soaking up publicity and hoping that it will draw people to his reality show and his various business enterprises. Well, Don Boy latched onto the birther idea like a vulture to a dead prairie dog. He talked about it for what seemed like 97 years, but it was only a couple of weeks (time goes into a weird loop when Donny Most Idiotic talks). Don the Haircomber went on and on about why doesn’t Obama release the long form birth certificate and said that he had investigators investigating an investigation and that they had found no proof that Obama was actually born, period. Not just in Hawaii, but anywhere.

Then Obama dropped a deuce onto Donald’s ferrethead©, sorry if that’s too crude, but then considering some of my recent posts you’re probably used to it. In fact, he dropped about three of them. One, the White House released the damn birth certificate. Trump (I’m out of silly nicknames for him) tried to make out that he was glad that Obama finally released it, and tried to take credit for it, but if you listened closely you could almost hear the air starting to leak out of his balloon.

Then, on Saturday, April 30, Trump made the grievous error of taking the Washington Post up on its invitation to attend the White House Correspondents Dinner. After bragging that the President of the United States wouldn’t dare to make fun of him at the dinner, Trump had to sit there and listen to the President of the United States make fun of him at the dinner:

Obama pointed out that Trump is able to make tough calls like firing Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice. “These are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night,” he said while Trump tried to smile. “Well-handled, sir. Well-handled.” Of course, as we now know, Obama had already made the decision to send an elite military squad into Pakistan to surgically remove Osama bin Laden from his hideout, and as it turned out, life. Game, set, match, trumped, and pwned.

Now, of course, the very same people who would deny Obama his presidency are now denying that bin Laden was actually caught and killed. You could see it coming, because Obama and his advisers made the choice to bury bin Laden at sea instead of making a spectacle of him, now the deathers are saying that there is no proof that he was actually killed. Of course it wouldn’t matter. Bin Laden’s dead body could be hanged up in the center of Ground Zero and everybody could be invited to have their picture taken with it as well as help themselves to a DNA sample, that still wouldn’t convince the ferretheads© because they are ferretheads© and ferretheads© are only convinced by other ferretheads©. I refuse to become one of them.

One more thing. I understand the celebrations that erupted in New York, DC, and elsewhere after the news. Bin Laden was a bad guy. I’m not sorry that he’s now fish food. Although I tend to gravitate towards an anti-death penalty stance, I do not mourn the death of a man who was responsible for such misery. But I don’t celebrate his death either. That morning I did participate in a high five with a co-worker who obviously wanted to celebrate it. It just seemed like bad form to leave her hanging, so I returned the high five, but I can’t bring myself to celebrate.

There’s a piece of file footage of Osama bin Laden that has often been run on the news ever since 9/11. It’s of bin Laden in the mountains somewhere, he has a radio or satellite telephone in his hand; something with an antenna anyway. He looks at the camera and smiles like a little boy. Like a little kid out in the woods playing with a remote controlled airplane. That tape has always reminded me that this villain, this monster – like all the monsters before him throughout history – was a human being. A human being that God loves. I do not mourn the loss of the monster, but I deeply mourn the loss of that little boy and what he could have become instead.

He chose to become a monster, I choose not to be one.

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3 thoughts on “On Obama, Osama, Birthers, Deathers, and Ferretheads©

  1. you lost me with the ferret head stuff! seriously, i started reading this post yesterday and while interested in the obama stuff, i totally got lost with the ferret head stuff.

    could TOTALLY just be me and my ADDness, but I can’t even wrap my brain around it now, so please don’t take it personally! i’m sure it’s brilliantly witty and funny, just too much for my feeble little brain! 😉

    congrats on a meaty post!

    • The ferrethead is a metaphor/attempt at humor meant to point out that people believe stupid things. Don’t blame your brain, blame my feeble writing.

    • It was also an allegedly clever way of poking fun at Trump and his combover. Sometimes when you aim to satirical you miss the mark.

      But you still owe me 10 cents for using ferrethead© twice. 😉

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