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Respected Prophet Cindy Jacobs says that the mysterious death of 300 birds in Arkansas is God’s response to the repeal of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the US Military:

INTERIOR – A CLUTTERED, WINDOWLESS OFFICE SOMEWHERE DEEP IN THE PSYCHE OF RESPECTED PROPHET CINDY JACOBS

BARLOWE, a disheveled man wearing a shirt, tie, and wings is sitting at a messy desk when the phone rings.

BARLOWE

Divine Retribution Department, Barlowe speaking.

We hear the voice of a secretary.

SECRETARY

Please hold for God.

BARLOWE

Oh no.

We cut to God, who is sitting at a beautiful antique desk in an ornate office, behind him is a picture window with a view of clouds. He is wearing golf attire and is handling a golf club while speaking into a cordless headset.

GOD

Barlowe. What the Heaven happened in Arkansas?

BARLOWE

What are you talking about sir?

GOD

You know what I’m talking about, those birds. Those myself damned birds!

BARLOWE

Well, let me explain.

GOD

This had better be good!

BARLOWE

Well, I know that you oppose the homosexual agenda, so when “don’t ask don’t tell” was repealed I thought that we should send a message.

GOD

By killing a bunch of birds. In the middle of East Bum F∩€√ Arkansas?

BARLOWE

Well, you see sir, the name of the town is Beebe.

GOD

And?

BARLOWE

And the Governor of Arkansas is named Mike Beebe.

GOD

Right, he’s a heathen Democrat. Please tell me you’ve got more than this.

BARLOWE

Of course, sir. And “don’t ask don’t tell” was put out by another Arkansas Governor, the heathen Bill Clinton.

GOD

So let me get this straight. An Arkansas Governor started DADT to keep the gays in the closet if we can’t keep them out of the military, then when it was repealed you decide to send a message by offing a bunch of innocent birds over a nowhere town just because it happens to have the same name as the current Governor who didn’t have anything to do with DADT?

BARLOWE

Um…yes?

GOD

OK, even if I agree with you that a massive bird die-off was a good idea – and I don’t – did you even consider the idea that if you killed these birds over a large city like Little Rock at least some of the birds might actually hit some gays?

BARLOWE

Well, sir, yes that might have been better. I just thought that the symbolism of it, you know. Sins against nature leading to nature reacting. That’s the kind of thing that Mr. Jemmerson used to…

GOD

Oh, Jemmerson. Now there was a guy who knew about Divine Retribution. Katrina, Haiti, for my sake AIDS was his idea.

BARLOWE

Yes, well. He was very…

GOD

Those were the good old days. Oh me, I wish I could’ve kept him from going to the other side. He just wasn’t satisfied cooking up divine retribution, he wanted to create actual evil.

BARLOWE

Is that why he went to MTV?

GOD

The son of a b¡≠©≡ created Jersey Shore.

BARLOWE

He certainly left a legacy for me to aspire to, sir.

GOD

Aspire? Barlowe, you couldn’t aspire to wipe the camel poop off Jemmerson’s sandals! Jesus Christ!

JESUS CHRIST

Yes?

GOD

Uh…nothing, son.  Now listen here, Barlowe. You’ve got a week to come up with something really good. Something that will get Pat Robertson smiling again. Do you hear me?

BARLOWE

Yes sir.

GOD

Because if you don’t, I swear I’ll make you the guardian angel for Paris Hilton.

BARLOWE

Oh no, sir, please!

GOD

One week Barlowe, and it better be good. God out.

God hangs up the phone.

Cut to Barlowe who picks up a book called “Divine Retribution for Dummies.”

BARLOWE

Something good, oh man. Paris Hilton. There’s got to be something in here. I wish Jemmerson would return my calls…

He continues frantically looking through the book as we…

FADE TO BLACK

 

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4 thoughts on “Fail of the Week – Massive Bird Death Was Due to Repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

  1. Never waste a perfectly good natural disaster. Everybody loves a good old fashioned thunder and lightning judgment. I suspect some Christians think they worship Zeus.
    Don’t despair of the Church! St Augustine said, “The Church is a whore, but she’s my mother.”
    I woke up this morning with Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring in my head. First thing at the computer, I googled the lyrics which gave me a new idea about the bird deaths:
    … Drawn by Thee, our souls aspiring Soar to uncreated light.
    Word of God, our flesh that fashioned, with the fire of life impassioned,
    Striving still to truth unknown, Soaring, dying round Thy throne. …
    I’m not altogether sure what that means, but it sure is beautiful!
    There is a soaring followed by a death.
    Was Bach prophetic? Are the death of birds a symbolic enactment of worship to God? I think it might make for an interesting rebuttal. Why not?
    We could stand around poking at bird carcasses on the ground and think judgmentally of people, or we could study beautiful music and poetry. hmmmm.

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