So this is going to be another one of those uncensored, stream of consciousness, pain dumps on my part so I apologize in advance but, like I’ve said before, this is a relationship my dear fervent readers and we’re in this for better or worse.
I’ve let myself run out of Effexor again, and I don’t know why. I went to my county Mental Health Dept. this morning because I had to renew my application for the Wyeth Patient Assistance Program so I’ll get them eventually, probably in a couple of weeks. In the meantime I have one pill left and I’m saving it for a really bad day.
The good news is that even though I work at WalMart, my income doesn’t disqualify me for the program.
The bad news is that even though I work at f@(#ing WalMart, my income doesn’t disqualify me for the program!
To make things worse, Boodle’s birthday is later this week. She will be 7 and this is the second birthday I’ve missed. I tell myself that I’ll be back this summer, that I’ve missed the last birthday/Christmas/graduation of hers, but how can I know that when I can’t even stay on top of my damn medications?
Meanwhile my Sweetie is getting older and older without contact with her Daddy. We stay in touch over the phone and through cards and valentines with funny stickers on them but we will never EVER get this time back. How long? How long until I become a distant memory to her. How much damage am I doing to her because I screwed my life up?
None of this is her fault, but I’m afraid that she’s going to sitting in some stupid therapist’s office one day talking about how fucked up her relationships with men are because she didn’t have her Daddy around.
Don’t worry, this isn’t a cry for help. I’m not a danger to self or others, just venting. Just sad.
I mentioned in a recent post that I was communicating with a woman online. Looks like maybe I’ve even managed to mess that up. We were all set to go out Saturday night, but I had misread my schedule, I thought I was off at 3pm but it was really 8. Then we were going to go out Sunday night but she had to work. That’s what she said anyway. I’m starting to wonder if that was her polite way of brushing me off. I haven’t chatted with her since.
And even if she might still be interested, what right do I have to drag somebody else into my shit? I’ve told her that I’m not staying here in the South permanently, and she’s OK with that, but is it right to get involved with somebody while I’m here? Is it fair to her? To me? Just because it’s been almost two years since I’ve enjoyed the company of a woman, does that give me the right?
Or am I taking it all too seriously? Is it wrong to want to have somebody nice and warm to go to dinner with, catch a movie, maybe some other things if she’s so inclined? In my profile on the dating site I make it very clear that I deal with depression and that I’m here temporarily, so she knows what she’s getting. She also knows, or she will if she ever meets me in person, that I’m a pretty good guy in spite of all of this. She could do a helluva lot worse.
So I’m in crisis mode right now, and it’s probably no time to be making any decisions. Or writing blog posts for that matter but…
Things will look better once the crisis is passed, and I always seem to make progress whenever I manage to get through a crisis. Again, for those of you who pray could you send one my way? And if you’ve ever thought of leaving a comment here but haven’t yet, this would be a good time.
Update – February 4, 2010
I just found out that my doc has Effexor samples, so better living through chemicals can commence shortly!
I’m going to write a letter to the governor or somebody about how terrific the staff is at this county mental health clinic. At the LA County clinic they were nowhere near as willing to jump through hoops to help ADHD Boy out. Granted, LA County has a lot more people, but this was a regional clinic and they were a bunch of whiners.
If I missed appointments my “therapist” would get on the phone and chew me out. Excuse me, ADHD? We forget things? Ever heard of it?
≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈
Also had a good long talk with Boodles last night. She didn’t want to get off the phone even though it was 10pm her time, so that makes Daddy feel good.
Funny story: Boodles was eating an apple yesterday at school and she bit into what she thought was an apple seed, it turned out to be her first pulled tooth. She brought it home to her mother in an envelope reading ‘Boodle’s Tooth.’