All I Want for Christmas Is You
Music & Lyrics: Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff
I know you do, Mariah, but every time I dress myself in wrapping and ribbons and bows and come to your house to put myself under your Christmas tree, the door is locked. So then I try to get in a window and an alarm goes off and big mean guys and even bigger meaner dogs come and chase me off.
Then the police come and take me away and put me in jail with a roommate who says he wants me for Christmas. Tell them, Mariah, tell them that you want me!
And tell all those lawyers too, and that judge that gave me a “remaining order,” something like that…it says I have to remain at least 100 feet away from you.
And that I shouldn’t call you.
And that I shouldn’t look through your garbage for toenail clippings.
Why, Mariah, why are they keeping us apart? And who’s this Nick Cannon guy that says he’s married to you? Doesn’t he understand that you and I were married in a small ceremony in my basement officiated by Rev. Fluffybunny and attended mostly by GI Joes and the X-Men?
I don’t understand why you won’t tell them that I’m the one you want in your stockings. I can only assume that it’s a conspiracy…that the evil record company is keeping you away from me and holding you hostage. That’s why I’m putting your song on my list of bad Christmas songs, even though it’s the best Christmas song ever because you’re singing it just to me. But if I put it on my list of bad songs, maybe they’ll think I’ve given up and I don’t love you anymore.
But I’ll always love you, Mariah. And I’ll never give up Mariah. I’ll never give up until I have you for my own, more than you will ever know.
Important Disclaimer: This post has been entirely fictional and is meant for humor purposes only. Stalking of celebrities is bad…very, very bad…and I should be punished…spank me, Mariah! Spank me hard, then twist my nipples. You know you want to…Oh…I mean, don’t stalk celebrities.
Important 2010 Update and Disclaimer:
Again, this is a joke. All in good humor. Please don’t stalk celebrities, and above all please don’t impregnate them with the sheer power of your love even though the evil powers that be won’t allow you to get near Mariah so your seed can find purchase.
You can see it, right? That’s my baby in there, not that Nick guy. Someday the world will know the truth, Mariah. Until then…oh, right…don’t stalk. Stalking is bad.
Really Important 2011 Update, Disclaimer, and New Video:
It’s almost Christmas 2011 and the kidnapping and/or mind-control of my sweet Mariah continues. How else would you explain this hopelessly lame video with some 12 year old dude nobody’s ever heard of…Jostlin Beaver? Are you serious? It’s just a commercial for Macys and Nintendo, and this Jersey Bimbler dude. No way my Mariah would have taken part in this if she was thinking clearly:
Super festive? Super weak you mean.
By the way, may I once again stress that all of the above is a joke. Don’t stalk celebrities, it’s not cool…and to everyone who has come to this post via the search terms “Mariah Carey” and “nipples,” you will get no satisfaction from me. The nipples that I refer to earlier are mine, and you will not see my love Mariah Carey’s nipples. They belong to me and you may not look at them!
Massively Important 2014 Update, Disclaimer, and OMG Moment:
Yes!!! 2014 is the year when my wishes finally started to come true!
First of all, my lovely Goddess Mariah finally broke the evil spell that the talentless hack Nick Cannon had on her and she kicked him to the curb. They’re now fighting over custody of the twins, which she will no doubt get full custody of seeing as how they are obviously mine.
Well…I got most of it.
Finally, since this post remains one of my most viewed because of all of you pervs out there looking for Mariah Carey’s nipples. I’ve finally decided to give in and show them to you. Both of them.
There you are. Don’t ask again.
Oh…and don’t stalk celebrities. Merry Happy Everybody.