So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

I’m in a weird place this Christmas, and by that I don’t mean the South. I mean away from Boodles, longing for home, longing for love, longing for more friends, longing just to be held by someone who thinks I’m worth it. Someone who’s OK with my flabby body and my f!@#ed up brain, but is also OK with the fact that I will – I must – go back to California next year.

That person, of course, does not exist because if she’s sensitive enough to care for me and look past the superficial then she probably would like for me to stick around.

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

And then there’s my brain. The brain that I cursed a second ago. To use the hated yet apt expression from Facebook (and soon coming to a theater near you), it’s complicated between my brain and I. My brain holds vast amounts of knowledge, some of it useful, quite a lot of it useful only when playing trivia games. But it forgets, and it plays tricks on me, I have to write numbers down because a minute after I hear them I’ve already forgotten or transposed the numbers, or if I remember them correctly my brain tells me that I have them wrong, so I have to go check it again.

And worse, in large parts my brain was responsible for me losing my past three jobs and two relationships. And yet the women in those relationships are still my friends, Tania and the woman I was seeing when all the s#!t hit the fan in 2008 are still my friends and are rooting for me to succeed.

The other day something very scary happened. I had what you might call a psychotic break. I don’t know if that would be the correct diagnosis or not but I don’t have the time or inclination at this point to investigate it. I got to work OK at 11:30 am, but I had forgotten to take my Effexor. Usually that just makes me tearful, but it got worse than that. The day started off all right, but on my first break I realized that I had missed a call from Boodles. I called back on the home phone and Tania’s cell and couldn’t get her.

That set me off. I had to cry in the cooler and later on in the restroom, I don’t think anybody saw me. That would be an understandable reaction to me having a day sans Effexor, but it got weirder. I started going into a mental fog. So much so that, as I am now trying to remember it, it all just seems like a weird dream. I wrote some things down on the day though, because I knew that I wouldn’t remember them otherwise. I wrote that I must have had a dream about work the night before because I felt like I was mixing dreams with reality, I felt like I was forgetting people’s names or calling people the wrong names, I have recollections of conversations but I doubt my memories of what was said, at lunchtime I ate my lunch and then walked around the store — I think — but I feel like I just mentally blanked out. Like I went into some kind of time warp, I can’t account for what I did on that hour lunch – and I couldn’t have on the day either.

The really weird thing (I know I’m completely overdosing on the word “weird,” but it’s the most useful tool I have in my box right now) is that I asked people the next day about how I was acting and they didn’t seem to have noticed anything unusual. I made up a story about taking a new sleep med and having a reaction to it and I asked my supervisor, Rhubarb and my co-worker, Cornelius if I had been acting weird and they both said, “No weirder than usual.” Nice.

Rhubarb is very Southern and embraces the term “redneck.” She has teenagers and her favorite word is ” ‘tarded.” So I decided that we need to rename the Produce Department ‘Team Tarded.’

Anyway, that happened and it was scary. I don’t know whether to chalk it up to missing my Effexor, holiday related stress (my own or all of it swirling around me, working in a store and all), or what. But I would be quite comfortable with it not happening again.

And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight

A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

So on to more fun things: Between myself, my sister, and Mom, Boodles is well stocked in Barbies, Princess and the Frog dolls, and school clothes. Tania sent me a photoshow of some recent pictures. I wish I could show you how beautiful my sweetie is, but I’m hesitant to put my true identity out there right now and I’m very hesitant to send my daughter’s pictures out where people I haven’t screened can see them.

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

Oh, what did I get you ask? Well, lots of practical stuff, shirts and sweaters and all plus some candy and gum and stocking stuff too. My sister, knowing how childish I am, got me one of these retro toy things:

And, of course, up until I started writing (and even while I’ve been writing) I’ve pretty much been doing nothing else but playing with it.

A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now

So, this is Christmas. When John Lennon wrote this song in 1971 we were stuck in a seemingly endless and increasingly pointless war, all while people were hurting here at home, and Lennon’s own genius and musical legacy was being dragged down by an evil, talentless, screeching, monster woman.

So much has changed.

In spite of the presence of afore mentioned monster woman, the song is a gem, and I am picking it today in the hope that all war, including my personal war, will be over soon, and that next year will be a good one for all of us.

Happy Christmas (War Is Over)

Words and Music: John Lennon

While looking up this video, I saw that Celine Deon has done the song too, and I have to say that I would take evil, talentless, screeching, monster woman over Celine Deon any day.

2010 Update:

So, because I was running late with these posts last year, this one was actually posted on Christmas Day.

What has changed since last year? Nothing and everything. I haven’t had any scary episodes like I did that day at work. I’m still on third shift and every night at WalMart reminds me that it’s time to get out and get a grown-up job. I have to if I’m ever going to get back to California and my Boodles.

This past year I acquired a jail sentence and a new diagnosis, Congestive Heart Failure. The first issue has pretty much been resolved, the second one is being handled through lifestyle changes and the magic of pharmaceuticals. Lots of them.

Sprinkles is history. She quit abruptly a few months ago, and since I toil in the wasteland of third shift I didn’t hear about it until a couple days later. It really upset me that she didn’t leave me a note or something, although why would she? Why would I expect her to reach out when she had never done so in the past? Idiot.

I realize now that I just set myself up. She never really wanted any kind of relationship with me, not even friendship, she just saw that I had a crush on her and used me for the attention and the ego boost. WhatEVER. One of the ladies at the bakery, without me asking, said that Sprinkles is now working at Party City and how perfect is that. I feigned interest. I will not be going to the local Party City.

There was, for a brief period, someone to hold me. I may write more about it someday, but not yet. She got a better offer, someone who isn’t planning to move back to California, and I don’t blame her one bit for taking it. And yes, we’re still friends.

This year we celebrated what would have been John Lennon’s 70th birthday. I commemorated on Twitter by imagining what might have happened if he had lived, I decided that in the early 90s The Beatles would have reunited for a world tour of rooftops with Pixies as the opening act. Also, sometime in the 80s Lennon would have finally dumped evil, talentless, screeching, monster woman for Rosanna Arquette.

So, this is Christmas and what have I done? I’ll have to get back to you on that.


4 thoughts on “So this is Christmas (12 Good Songs of Christmas: #7)

  1. Thank you, Joe. I love this song too. I sing it to myself every Christmas when nobody else is around. I wish I could be there to give you a hug today, for whatever that would be worth. Perhaps I fit the job description as good as anyone, since our relationship is pretty set in terms of how far it could go! Maybe at these times, you would take whatever you get! :/
    Post Boodles’ Christmas on facebook, okay?
    Sounds like the nervous breakdown I experienced once. Scary. People don’t realize that their brain is just another part of the body that can get broken. Sure sucks to break your brain, though!
    Its good you have friends. Its so wonderful that you can write well. Not to mention the rail twirler gizmo … consolations!
    … and so happy Christmas to you!

    • Thank you A1, your the bestest, and I’ll take a virtual hug anytime.
      Thoughts like yours make me thankful that even though part of my brain is broken, the part that can write and express things works OK. Even in the midst of my whiniest pity party I am aware of that and am thankful for it.

      I explained my little episode to Tanya and she said that she didn’t think it was psychotic break, more likely a dissociative event brought on by stress and lack of sleep.

      Thanks for your friendship and your support of my little blog 🙂


  2. My Dear Joe…Thank You for honesty! I too like this song and in my own way go to a place in my brain to reflect on my own thoughts for the future and the past. My wish for you this year is healing of your heart, Love unconditional and a wish that everything will happen as they should! You make me smile!! Keep writing, becasue you have so many things to say and so well!! A big Hug today!!


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