or ‘When Christmas Trees Attack’
or ‘Revenge of the Druids’

O Tannenbaum or O Christmas Tree

Words: First verse is traditional German, and sometimes attributed to August Zarnack, 1820; second and third verses by Ernst Gebhard Anschutz, 1824. Other verses: unknown. Translator unknown.
Music: O Tannenbaum, German Folk Song

Since tonight is Winter Solstice (well, at least it was when I started writing this s#!t) this seems like an appropriate time to warn you about the evils of this song and of Christmas Trees in general. As you probably know, the Christmas Tree has origins from the ancient pagans and druids. We Christians stole it, and now they want it back! They have sent their dark armies of Christmas Trees into the world to wreak their revenge.

Every year, Christmas Trees kill, maim, or disfigure millions of people all over the world! In fact, the National Fire Protection Association (NFPA) reports that there is an estimated annual average of 210 home structure fires in the US that begin with Christmas trees. From 2002 through 2005, these fires caused an average of 24 civilian deaths, 27 civilian injuries, and $13.3 million in direct property damage per year. OK, so that’s less than millions. But they’re just getting warmed up!

Huh? Warmed up? See what I did there?

Following are just a few of the potentially disastrous attacks by evil Christmas Trees around the world:

In Limerick, Ireland, on November 20 of this year a 100 foot floating Christmas tree came lose of its moorings and floated down River Shannon until it struck a bridge. Luckily neither the bridge nor anyone on it was hurt.

In a mall in Hamburg, Germany* a 100 kilogram** Tannenbaum fell onto a 78 year old*** woman putting her in the hospital. I couldn’t find any follow-up stories, so I don’t know if she survived, but we’ll just assume that she’s dead — or will be in 30 or 40 years.

On December 2008, a 37 year old man in Parrish, FL attacked his father with an artificial Christmas tree.

And those are just a few of the insidious attacks, there are many, many more. At least I assume there are, I was too lazy to keep looking.

I think all we need to do in order to decipher the truth is to look at the original German lyrics side by side with a literal translation done by me:****

O Tannenbaum

O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter!
Du grünst nicht nur
zur Sommerzeit,
Nein auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter!
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum!
Dein Kleid will mich
was lehren:
Die Hoffnung und Beständigkeit
Gibt Trost und Kraft
zu jeder Zeit.
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum!
Das soll dein Kleid mich lehren.
O Christmas Tree

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
how the blood will splätter!
You’re evil not only
in the summertime,
No, also in winter when it snows.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree

how totally awesomely evil you are!O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree

You want to teach me
to do your evil bidding:
To fall on old ladies
And make guys attack their Dads
To float down a river and cause much annoyance.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

You really are the mean one.

I think I’ve made my case.

Oh, and the picture at the beginning is from a way cool video, but be warned, things don’t work out very well for Mr. Bunny.

The site linked above also has lots of info about (yawn) keeping Christmas trees safe. If you’re into that sort of thing.

Oh, and if there are any druids, wizards, witches, warlocks, elves, dragons, or Germans reading this, please don’t cast an evil spell on me. It was just a joke.*****

* Home of the Whopper.

** That’s 220 pounds in real American weight.

*** That’s 93 in real American age.

**** I am fully qualified to do this because I have some German ancestry and have listened to 99 Luftballoons many times

***** Or, in German, ein witzelflavenfallandgoboommitderhahaschlossen.

2010 Update

The Christmas Tree carnage continues, all stories from 2010:

L.A. rush hour agony after Christmas tree truck overturns
(Reuters) – Holiday cheer was transformed into rush-hour agony in downtown Los Angeles on Friday after a tractor-trailer hauling 42,000 pounds of Christmas trees overturned on a busy freeway exchange.

German police find pot plant adorned as Xmas tree
BERLIN — German police say an “old hippy” is facing possible prosecution for his version of the, ahem, highest Christmas tree – a festively decorated two-meter- (two-yard-) tall marijuana plant

The rise of the 2 Christmas tree household
Children’s badly-made decorations and gaudy flashing lights are, for many, the true essence of Christmas. But it would seem an increasing number of parents are banning garish decorations from the family tree.

And finally there’s this story from Florida. In an exceptionally evil twist the Christmas Tree burned everything in the house EXCEPT ITSELF! Under the rustling of the pine needles you can almost hear it’s evil laughter.

When will they be stopped?


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