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So there’s this commercial for some fancy schmancy phone that has a guy running trying to find all these items for Mariah Carey because she’s all that and she must have these things everywhere she goes. Like flowers, cologne, and a doggie bed for Mariah’s precious little Fifi. I presume that Mariah is bringing Fifi with her, or does he need to get that too?

Who pays for this stuff? Does the hotel bill the star’s people? Or do they just provide all of this in gratitude for the honor of having Ms./Mr. Fancy Pants Diva grace their humble establishment?

I have no idea about VIP treatment. I rarely even receive IP treatment. In fact, most of the time I’m not even treated like a P. Most of the time when I go to a hotel and need something the conversation goes like this:

“Front desk.”
“Yes. Hi…um…I forgot to bring a toothbrush. Can you provide one for me?”
“Why of course, Mr. Misplaced. We have a vending machine on the third floor where you can purchase one for $5.00.”
“I have to go all the way down to the third floor and spend $5.00 for a toothbrush?”
“Well, maybe next time you’ll pack more carefully Forgetty Forgetterson. Is there anything else we cannot do for you this evening?”

Or at the places I’m more likely to stay at:

“Hello.”
“Is this the front desk?”
“Yeah.”
“Yes. Hi…um…I forgot to bring a toothbrush. Can you provide one for me?”
“There’s a 7-11 two blocks down the street.”
“But it’s raining.”
“They have umbrellas at the 7-11.”

I suppose one day when I’m a rich and famous writer maybe I’ll merit such treatment, but I’m not holding my breath. Anyway, all of this is brought on by Jamie Harrington in a blog post where she published her diva list and challenged us to come up with our own, so without any further ado I give you my very own diva list:

  1. Sweet tea brewed Southern style where the sugar is added in during the steeping process. But please use Splenda, I’m trying to keep my divalicious figure.
  2. Candles, lots of them, all over the suite. I like candles, they inspire me while I’m writing, they smell purty, and I’m a bit of a pyromaniac.
  3. One of those fancy new Powermats pre configured for all of my phones and various electronic paraphernalia. In fact, better make it two.
  4. Humidor filled with Montecristos, C.A.O.s, and Cohibas. Mmmmmm.
  5. A bookshelf stocked with classics of all genres in case I get bored with the lowbrow reading I brought with me. Plus it will make me look smart.
  6. A TV that automatically blocks content that insults my intelligence, so no MTV, televangelists, or Fox News.
  7. Any room that I stay in, anywhere in the world, must have an ocean view, preferably Pacific.
  8. Almond Roca, with all calories removed.
  9. Newspapers delivered daily: New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, and the Oklahoma City Daily Oklahoman.
  10. Fresh fruit – I probably won’t eat it, but it looks nice.

There it is, fervent readers, my diva list. Please make a note of it.

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5 thoughts on “My Diva List

  1. oooo, a diva list! Okee…here’s mine:
    1. a cute puppy to play with, but one that never poops or pees in my room
    2. a stocked fridge with only things I like
    3. a computer with internet (so I can have access to Misplaced Boy)
    4. a huge marble and tile indoor/outdoor bathroom with fountain shower and garden of Eden type vegetation … ahhhh
    5. ability to add to my diva list at will
    6. Attentive, but not intrusive People in uniforms dying to know my diva list

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