This isn’t going to be one of those snarky posts where I make fun of patriotic songs or rant about things. It’s not going to be well thought out. I’m not going to clean up my language. Hell, I don’t even think I’m gonna spell-check the thing. This is just me talking about my shit and how it feels.

I’m out of Effexor and life is kicking my ass.

It’s my fault, I didn’t notice that I was running low until a couple weeks ago. I get my meds from the local county’s Department of Mental Health. They got me on a program through the manufacturer, Wyeth, where low income people can get their meds for free. When I originally signed up for it I wasn’t working, but the sad fact is that because I’m working for WeownyouMart I still fucking qualify. So I called a couple of weeks ago and DMH sent in the paperwork. I got a call on Wednesday telling me I can pick up my 45 day supply tomorrow. I usually take 300mg a day and I’ve been rationing them this past week. I have one 75mg pill left and I was going to take it in the morning so I can at least have some benefit from it and can go to work in the morning…but I may not be able to wait.

I just called and spoke to Boodles for the first time in more than a week. We talked about fireworks for two minutes and then she said “goodbye” and asked if I wanted to talk to her mommy. Tania says that Boodles gets that way from time to time, and that her not wanting to talk to me is just her six year old mind’s way of coping with me being so far away. I know that, and I know she misses me, and I know she loves me, and I know that I can’t expect a six year old to understand what’s wrong with Daddy and why he had to go so far away to get help. I don’t even fucking understand it.

This is awful, I shouldnt even post this. But if one person out there can read this and understand that they aren’t alone then maybe it will all be worth something. Like I said, its my first draft of my story. You’re not alone, and neither am I…but it sure feels like it sometimes.

If you’re reading this and you’ve ever felt like leaving a comment. Now would be the time. I’m so sick of checking for comments and just seeing spam. Even if the comment is “You suck!” at least it would be good to know that somebody is out there.

I hope this all makes sense, if it doesn’t I’ll try to do better next time.



6 thoughts on “pain

  1. This posting reads a lot like some of my prayers, although I don’t think I have actually used the “f” word to God. … some other not-so-sunday-school words though. At any rate, it is cathartic to express your shit. I have never been so brave (stupid?) to post mine on the internet though! hmmm Emails to my boss, yes. Not the wisest choice. I will have to tell you about that some day. I did live to tell, but ALMOST lost my job. I consider it a significant victory that I did not lose my job after what I emailed him. Some Christians confess to a fear of man. I wish I had more of that actually! It would save me some grief. But I ramble…
    Just so you know emotions totally destroy us sometimes. They invest themselves in everything we do and think. – how we feel about things. And emotions are hard to pin down because from up close they look like logic. This response sucks cuz …..”its way too long”, “it doesn’t have a point” etc etc. No matter what, in that moment our emotions shout out to be validated and we look for a reason for them and cling to it like the reason will be our savior, when in fact often it harms us. So my point being…
    Take a big breath. Don’t take your feelings too seriously. (Yes, this comes from a menopausal woman, so I think I know a bit about the subject.) Know that tomorrow will hopefully look better, or in your case whenever you can get that prescription filled.
    Too bad you can’t borrow from someone else’s prescription.. do you know anyone else with the same or similar drugs? … or go smoke some weed…no, I am just kidding…kinda. I come from the land of medicinal weed so its appropro. You are responsible with drugs, are you not? Do what you have to do, bro. Hugs!

  2. Thanks aptOne…your response was great. It is probably stupid to post this stuff on the intertoobs but I am semi-anonymous.
    Thanks for caring!

  3. Joe,

    Wanted to let you know that I stumbled across your blog and have greatly enjoyed all your entries. I also appreciate your honesty. I am sorry to hear that things aren’t going so great. Even though we are strangers, I wanted to let you know that I care.

  4. Joe,

    this is the 1st time I came across ur blog thru twitter (46 things)…it led me here and I enjoyed reading most of what you have written.

    I just want say that everything that has a beginning has an end, ur pain and ur painful thoughts have an end too…hang in there bro.

    Also i recommend you “watch” how ur thoughts flow and the sequence of those thoughts and ur reactions, it interesting how we human miss this aspect of our lives and yet seek predictability and dont analyse ourselves, ur in pain its good time to learn how you react to it and what alleviates that pain…watch it closely and use that information wisely.

    I am writing just like Mark to say that I care and I hope all gets well soon, and remember we are watching u, u aint lonely.

    “Everything that has a beginning has an end”

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