This is a project where I choose a movie completely at random, then review it for your pleasure and edification. Maybe we will all find some new treasures that we otherwise might not have found out about. Of course we’re also likely to come across some real stinkers, so that will give me a chance to be good and snarky
As with any experiment, there must be rules. So here are mine:
- The movie will be chosen using a website that provides random movie titles. Currently I have several sites that I use (at random of course): 25th Frame, Criticker, flixflip, instantwatcher, and two that call themselves Movie Roulette (movie-roulette.com and movieroulette.net).
- I am allowed to “skip” movies suggested by the above websites. For example, movies that have no redeeming social value ie. slasher movies, some sequels, and movies that go too far in the horror genre that might keep me up at night. If the movie is unavailable via Netflix it may be skipped. I’ll try not to skip too many though, because that defeats the purpose of seeing random movies.
- If a movie I’ve seen but not reviewed on this blog comes up, I’ll watch it again.
- I try to avoid spoilers in all my reviews, but since this experiment is about discovering new movies I will try extra hard.
- For the purposes of this experiment, I am defining a “movie” as a stand alone feature of around 80-90 minutes in length, not a part of a television series. They don’t necessarily have to have been released theatrically.
- All of the above rules are subject to change without notice at the whim of the reviewer.
I’ve thought a long time about what rating system I will use for my movie reviews. Five stars has been done. Numbering from 1 to 10, done. Thumbs up or down, done and probably copyrighted. I tried to come up with something different, so here it is:
The Misplaced Boy MST3K Movie Scale:
Based on the beloved show Mystery Science Theater 3000, which was about the love of movies (specifically bad ones), I have developed a 13 point scale, ranking the characters of the show from bad to good:
Dr. Clayton Forrester – The baddest of the bad, the maddest of the mads, scientists that is. He concocted the whole experiment and sent poor Joel and Mike into space purely to find out how much damage bad movies can do to the human psyche. He will come to symbolize the worst of the worst movies.
Pearl Forrester – Dr. F’s even crazier Mom, she took over the experiment after Dr. Forrester became a star child. She chased Mike and the Bots throughout the galaxy and back and forth through time. It is also believed that she was the first person to bring sexy back.
TV’s Frank – Dr. F’s second second banana, he was last seen working as a Soultaker. Don’t worry though, he’s not very competent and you need to only walk briskly to get away from him.
Observer/Brain Guy – His home planet was accidentally destroyed by Mike so he’s got a bit of a grudge, but for a guy who’s all brain he’s really not that sharp.
Professor Bobo – We’re not sure what he was a professor of, but he’s not the brightest crayon in the box. He thinks the term “damn dirty ape” is a compliment.
Dr. Laurence Erhardt – Dr. F’s original second banana, he mysteriously disappeared after the first season. If you have any information regarding his whereabouts, just keep it to yourself. We’re OK without him. Situated right in the middle of our scale, Dr. Erhardt will stand for a “meh” review. The movie wasn’t really bad or good, just kinda meh.
The Nanites – These self-replicating, bio-engineered nanotechnology organisms have the capability to be really really helpful…but they rarely are.
Cambot – Always faithful, Cambot provides our view into the Satellite of Love and never blinks. Although there is a rumor that it cried once…haven’t seen that episode yet.
Tom Servo – One of Joel & Mike’s wise-cracking bot buddies. He takes his job very seriously and with the help of his fellow robot friends he kept the human guinea pigs from succumbing to the mads and their evil schemes.
Crow T. Robot – The other cheesy movie watching bot, Crow was always equipped with a quip or a running gag. Good thing Joel gave up those “special parts” to make these bots. The ride just wouldn’t be the same without them.
Mike Nelson – We’re getting into the creme de la creme here. These will be the designations for the really good movies. Mike was a talented cast member and writer before he became the second guinea pig. He will always be remembered for his dry style…and of course his perfect impersonation of Torgo.
Gypsy – Faithfully running the higher functions of the Satellite of Love takes a toll on Gypsy’s computer brain, so she doesn’t have time to watch the cheesy movies. She does participate in skits and host segments though, and of course she successfully planned Joel’s escape to Earth. Currently the CEO of ConGypsCo, if you don’t already work for her you probably will soon.
Joel Robinson – He’s the man. He created the show (well, under the name Joel Hodgson) and made the robots. No offense to Mike, but Joel’s sleepy Minnesotan delivery will always make him our favorite host, and in our scale he will stand for the best of the best.
Random Quote Whore Quote:
And finally, no movie review would be complete without a good “quote whore” review for the studio to put on the VHS package…because VHS is totally coming back, trust me on this. You’ve seen these quotes, they usually say something like “Earth Vs. Soup is an exhilarating, heart-pounding, roller coaster of a movie!” Followed by “Richard Basehart is amazing!!!” And then they have the name of a critic and a publication you’ve never heard of.
So we take the form “[Title of Movie] is a/an [adjective], [adjective], [noun] of a movie! [Star of Movie] is [adjective]!!!,” and plug it into a random word generator, and out pops the random quote whore quote:
“Earth Vs. Soup is a stupid, intimate, gambler of a movie! Richard Basehart is dutiable!!!”
Yes, it’s all very silly, but it’s good clean fun and nobody gets hurt…except maybe Richard Basehart. Here’s a complete list of my Random Movie Reviews in alphabetical order:
Akeelah and the Bee (2006)
And Soon the Darkness (1970)
And Soon the Darkness (2010)
Annie Get Your Gun (1950)
Bam Bam & Celeste (2005)
Blade Runner (1982)
Blue Crush (2002)
Brassed Off (1996)
Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)
California Dreamin’ (2007)
Cat’s Eye (1985)
Declining by Degrees: Higher Education at Risk (2005)
Galaxy of Terror (1981)
Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986) *
Horatio’s Drive: America’s First Road Trip (2003)
House of Voices (Saint Ange) (2004)
In the Land of Milk and Money (2004)
Joe and Max (2002)
Joe Louis: America’s Hero…Betrayed (2008)
The Joe Louis Story (1953)
Just the Ticket (1999)
Keeping the Faith (2000)
Kombi Nation (2003)
Kurt Cobain About a Son (2007)
Lan Yu (2001)
Magnificent Team (1998)
Micmacs à Tire-Larigot (2009)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)
Mutual Appreciation (2005)
The Narrow Margin (1952)
Narrow Margin (1990)
No Smoking (2007)
Now & Later (2009)
Once Were Warriors (1994)
One Day (2011)
Pearl Harbor (2001)
Prince of Darkness (1987)
Rebel Without a Cause (1955)
The Reception (2006)
Robbing Peter (2004)
Soul Surfer (2011)
The Sound Barrier (1952)
This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
Tora! Tora! Tora! (1970)
Woman of the Year (1942)
Zombie Lake (1981)
* Reviewed by Miss Demure Restraint